Freedom!!!!!!!!!

There is nothing like the feeling of living on your own and the freedom of knowing this place is yours and you live alone so you can do whatever you want to in the comfort of your own home. Walking naked from the bathroom to the bedroom makes you giggle because it seems just a little wrong, you can leave the dishes in the sink, you can drop your dirty clothes on the floor and leave them there and if you don’t want to make your bed you don’t have to. J

That being said, I was kicked back last night watching my Law and Order Special Victims unit Marathon on TV when I decided to be an adult and go to bed at a decent hour. So after they caught the bad guy rapist killer and found out he still had a partner running around out there I decided to end the night like the show on a suspenseful moment. So I turn off the light, make sure the door is locked, crawl into bed and cuddle down for bed time.

As my little mind starts to sink down into the down comforter of dream land and I am lulled into the peacefulness of Unicorns, Double Rainbows, Gummy bear parades, and happiness everywhere……… I am ripped back into awareness by Police like thumping on my front door. I jolt straight up in bed listening with every nerve ending in my body on full alert!!! Is the knocking coming from the front door or is it coming from inside the garage?!? Wait is that a step on the Stars?!?! What is it???!!!!!! My little eye balls are straining to see into the dark and see if I can see movement at the top of the stairs……..

DARKNESS

What in the world is that terrible noise?!?! Ahh the alarm clock. At some point in my scared alert state my body caved and decided it was bed time after all. I fell asleep sitting up in bed and woke up from a very uncomfortable tipped over position still slightly sitting up. **Sigh** Freedom…….

Reply all.... disaster

So..... I hate t when some "fantastic" person sends out the stupidest email that makes you sit back and re-read the amazingness to make sure you didn't misunderstand them the first time through it. Nope sure did not. So a few people respond and say I agree, or Nice job, or good observation. So one of my friends (brown noser that she is) writes back and say's "I never noticed this, good catch." So as I hit the reply button and with my usual sarcasm in hand say "You can not really think that anything that bitch has to say is really "good" anything especially since you have been bitching about that flaw for two weeks yourself. Do not try and support her ego believe me she is stuck on herself enough that the last thing she needs is your face down by her ass blowing it up like a balloon too dumb ass."

Ok...... so little did I know that I hit the reply to all button and now the entire office knows how I really feel about this one individual, including the girl that I have been playing nice with....... Damn it. Thank you Monday Man. FML....

Lost

I reach out into the dark. My eyes cannot see. My hands do not touch. I sense you out there in the dark. Just beyond my finger tips I know you are there. Can you hear me? Do you see me? Are you reaching out for me too?


Still I reach out. Slowly moving forward. Afraid and alone.... I know you are out there.

Boys.... silly silly boys.....

So, I have no idea why boys think it is so hard to communicate with a girl......... For the most part we are simple to make us happy. Say we are pretty! That will do it, I don't care if my hair looks funny or my eye liner is smeared, ignore it, suck it up and tell me I am pretty dang it. There is a reason not all girls are lesbians... It's because we want a MAN!!! Don't get me wrong little boys are fun to take to the park or the zoo or to laugh at when they are being a big little man if I am babysitting, but I do not want to date the little boy. throwing a hissey fit because YOU didnt get your way...... Not a good idea, sorry. You sir are more of a girl than I am, don't ignore me and then blame me for being insensitive and not checking to make sure you are ok. It is not the way to convince me you are a real man. Jackas...... ok, I admit not all men are this way. You do not need to tell me it is a proven fact that if you are mean to a girl she will do what you want because that is not all girls either, you be mean to me and I am not going to bake you cupcakes to make you nice to me. Throw something at your face maybe..... in fact probably. In short..... or from looking above In rant, Be nice or I wil kick your freaking ass!!!! Thank you,

Warning: Female "stuff" ahead

Ok..... So I am super annoyed today and guess what, I am going to share. So I am kickin it on my morning high singing several musical numbers and doin some high kicks when i get "The feeling." Know what I mean, the "Either i just pee'd my pants or started my period" feeling. Well Thank you Mother Frikin nature!!!!! Thank the Lord I chose the dark jeans today, good thing I caught it early. Crap these were really cute under-roo's and I wonder if that will come out. So here is the shame I know more than likely every girl has had to do.... Super uncomfortable, very embarrassing, and it just feels like EVERYONE knows....... Raise of hands, how many girls have done the folded up make your own pad/tampon to stick into the crevice until you can get to a real one? ** points to self ** this girl right here.

Raisins

I do not know what it is....... All of the sudden I have become obsessed with this little wrinkled fruit!!! Chock full of iron packed into its loose little folds of skin I find them amazingly delightful. Here are some of my favories:
- Oatmeal raisin cookies
- Carrotcake (its fruit and veggie!)
- Raisin bran cereal
- Oatmeal (this one I was unsure of but it works)
- Trail mix!!!

I have decided that the M&M's company needs to make a candy coated chocolate dipped raisin. *takes a bow* That is all.

So here it is, another day another lunch break I forgot to pack. For those that don’t know there is a Taco Bell across the street that gets a lot of business from the girls in our office that find then selves in this same predicament. So I go next door, I stand in line to get my good ol’ number 6 (Mmm Chicken chalupa, taco, and a Diet Pepsi) and pull out the old debit card, good for every day on the go moments or in my case every time I want to make a purchase. So I get my tray and turn to find a place to park it and eat before the walk back to the office. So as I am walking through the “dining room” a slightly off balance man holding a fishing pole steps in front of me. “Excuse me, I didn’t catch enough fish to eat today, do have some money for me?” Of course I don’t I use plastic for everything and anything. So I open my mouth to apologize by telling him I don’t carry cash. The man looks down slightly sad and starts to turn away. All of the sudden his hand flashes out to Snatch a taco right off of my tray!! Yes sir it is true. I look up in shock to see a homeless man and his fishing pole bookin it through the parking lot clutching my taco as he goes. I didn’t really care about the taco, he obviously needed it much more than I did and half of the time throw it away anyways but how shocking and unexpectedly random is that?!

Que dream sequence......

Nothing for April...... Sorry I was a slacker.

Yeah so I had a dream last night that I was Prego….. like 8 months HUGE!!! And I was watching Victor (my sisters kid reached terrible 2’s this week) and he was throwing a tantrum and rolling around on this Redwood deck patio thing. So there was a hole cut in it where this tree was growing up with like a foot or so of clearance around it and Victor rolled into this hole and under the deck. So all the sudden he stops crying and giggles and I hear this rattle like a rattle snake and then he just starts screaming!!! So I like kick the boards off the patio under carriage part and someone is calling 911, (I dunno who it is, I can just hear them behind me on the phone flippig out). So I pull Victor out and he is crying and hugging me and sayin his little nah nuh thingie ( he calls me na-na like a banana) and the ambulance comes for us and I go into labor holding him. So were in the same hospital room and my sister gets there and I’m having the baby and she’s all talking to victor telling him please don’t die please please, so the Dr. tells her that he will be ok and it looks like a baby snake bit him and the venom wasn’t fully developed and junk and he would be totally fine. So my sister comes running over to me just as they hand me my baby and I start to drop it so she takes it from me and I start having these seizures and junk,
So…….. turns out the big snake bit my hand when I pulled victor out as it was just about to bite him and I died. ….. D-E-D dead. So now my sister has 2 babies.

This is what I get after a lovely dinner of 3 mint Oreos, 1 slice of bologna, 2 dill pickles, and a sugar free Poweraid. I wonder if I totally did the Julia and Julia thing and ate random weird things at bed time I could blog the food induced dreams………….. Good times.

I wonder

So this is a bit of an emo topic but I have been curious about it for awhile now. So say the me of 2010 goes back and kills the me of 2005, just shoots her in the face kills her. (Lets see the CSI guys figure that one out shall we) So now the 2010 kills her, does the 2010 version of me stay alive in the place of the 2005 me? If so what happens when we hit 2010? Do I automatically go back to 2005 again and start this all over again as a loop? If I do start a new time line and it goes farther than 2010 do I have to continue to wait for another future me to come kill off this version of me too? My mind tends to wander off on reasoning like this from time to time, no harm to anyone but myself I suppose.

In flight......

So........ I am afraid to fly. There it is...... now you all know. I know that it is common knowledge as to how big of a pansy I really am and with this we shall add just a little more on top of the pile.

Statistically I know that flying is safer than driving. How often do you hear about a plane crash as compared to a car accident? I think mentally the only difference in this is that a plane crash is going to last a lot longer than the split second of a car accident. Also looking at the numbers a car accident is going to take out a handful of people tops as to the plane well there's about 100 of us at least goin down in flames on that one. Unless we are still on the ground then we just blow up. Let me go into detail with this....... Its not that I dislike the flight. I like the flight itself, I don't even mind turbulence actually. Its the take off and the landing that make me sick. That dropping in your stomach feeling that you get on the roller coaster does it too. There is just something about the sensation that kills me.

Door Mat

I have decided to get this title tattooed across my forehead and save the people time to discover that I am one. OK seriously I can only have a sympathetic ear to a certain extent. So talking to a guy I like, he is going off about his ex and how she is getting married to someone else... blah blah effing blah, but on the outside I am like "Oh wow I'm so sorry, I know that has got to be hard on you." Now two weeks later this is all he talks about to me. Ever text message I recieve starts off with "So this girl....." OK who cares!!!! You have been broken up for more than 6 months now and I am sure she was great lay but you were only together for 6 months before the break up in the first place. So after my consideration of just ending this now I do not reply to the text. 1am...... (I have to be to work at 6 mind you) I get a text that says "I am writing a book that is called #%$&&^(&*%$T#@" I have left out the name of the book to protect the author but the title was something close to Only in the darkness or something like Myside of the pain or something but you get the hint. So I am looking at this and take the bait. I respond with "are you a disturbed person? - "Yes" okie...... so my response is "are we talking oh i am so emo, my girlfriend broke up with me or I like to torture small animals and wonder what human flesh tastes like kind of disturbed?" I do NOT like it when people don't respond to the more serious need to know questions.

On another side note. I have wondered what a Human tastes like. Not in a serious lets cook up a person patty kinda deal but in the I wonder if we taste Gamey like an elk or deer or if we are closer to Pork since we are closer to a pig as far as anatomy and what not goes.

Disclaimer: This writer has never and would never taste human flesh even if the offer arose.

NEW CONDO!!!!!!!

So by now most of you know I have bought a condo. So this is not a blog to update all about the cleaning it or fixing it or moving in, No that would not be my style now would it? :) Ok so little story...

A lady died in my condo. There it is. Now I am a big baby anyways, especially when I am alone. Every little thing or noise makes me jump. So here I am at 10pm last night, I walk in the front door and stand at the bottom of the stairs to listen for any sign that someone is going to chop my head off once I pop up over the landing. So here i am standing at the bottom of the stairs, crying like a baby, for like 5 mins. So then it occurs to me that maybe some nefarious character is in the garage waiting for me to get comfy and then BAM pop up out of the darkness. I open up the garage, have a little peak inside to see that it is empty still (it was) before 7 mins later I talked myself into going on up.

So I actually enter the living area of the condo, do my little look around. So now what? I am expecting ghosts of some little old lady with the crazy hair to come flying out of the walls or some creepy person to be in the mirror with me as I am brushing my teeth. I fully realize that I have seen way to many scary movies.

So I finally settle down to watch a chick flick and cry in bed but can' fall asleep because the shadows on my wall looks like someone is hanging out on the balcony outside my bedroom.
**sigh** I am a little tired today.

Scary movie+lots of liquid = sad potty time

So............ Scary movies about people getting offed in a public restroom does do damage to an adult. To say I am OCD when it comes to my stall doesn't cover it. After going to dinner before the movie and slurping a soda to wash down the fries I think maybe not the brightest idea but i should be fine if i stop now. Ok so auto pilot kicks in at the theater, its buy the tickets, snack line, choose seat. well before I know it we have the tickets and i have a gallon size soda in hand. Now this is dangerous area because it is still a bit before the movie starts and if i am careful and use the ladies room now and don't slurp this monster down i should make it threw without a potty break. So low and behold I run into some gal pals in the lobby and as i am chattin it up with S,V, and K all of the sudden i notice this bad boy is more than half gone..... oops.

So I hit the stall before the movie and there are a few girls in there so i dont have to worry about being shot down or getting my guts ripped out to be found dead the next day.

Movie: Was actually o.k. I liked it even with the blood and death and body explosion to paint the windows and walls red........ I will admit to crying once but it was only one little sad panda tear and i covered it up well I think.

NOW comes the problem. I finished the remainder half of my soda in the show and although I emptied the dinner soda out before the movie started I now had the whole other movie gallon just a sittin and not sittin well might I add. So credits start rolling and I hit the ladies room like it is home base in a game of tag...... Let the game begin. *Scan under all stalls to make sure no feet are here. * Stop and be as quiet as possible to detect breathing of anyTHING else or any other tale tale noises for those that don't breath. * check overhead lighting for a well lit stall. * make sure to push stall door open completely to make sure no one is hanging from the back of the stall door on either side. * check for adequate TP and seat covers before entering stall of choice. Think the game is over oh no no no! After *place back firmly on stall door to flush with foot while covering ears because the noise is so so so loud. *stand in stall until bathroom is completely quiet and again listen for breathing or other noises. *open stall door and run like hell to the sink area (mirrors give complete view of something sneaking up behind you). *Finally wash hands while watching your back and then keeping back to the wall to edge to the door and back out of the room.

I am one of the ones that always gets asked why I take so long in the bathroom.........

Centaur sex anyone?

Background: Jenny is a girl at work that Loves her husband very much. How do I know? We get details. Apparently my mind has filed this information away for future use that burst forth in the most disturbing dream i have had to date..........

So in my dream we are in a wonderful world of centaurs, humans, elf's and other mystical beings. So in the office, our lovely Jenny has taken form of a centaur, lovely long hair, beautiful chestnut colored mare dressed in complete Dominatrix leather bustier, laced up the sides with a push up bra (completely un-needed with her assets). Shane, her manly man centaur husband enters the scene later.........

So early morning were all sitting around at work talking about the weekend, chit chat girl talk nothing new when all of the sudden Jenny clip clops over to go into full on graphic detail about the sex she had this weekend... ok nothing new but all of the sudden my dream turns to movie flash back mode.....

Setting: pasture at twilight, grass is over long and blowing gently. Shane and Jenny embrace lovingly before she turns so he can mount her. Enter helicopter...... the grass in the pasture is whipped into a frenzy as the helicopter hovers over this porno like love scene right out of the discovery nature show. The suction from the helicopter almost lifts Shane off of his hoofs also causing Jenny's hind quarters to lift slightly making for the perfect angle for the best copulating EVER! (as Shane later puts it to her).

Flash back to the office and pan around to all of our shocked faces and stunned silence...........

Reality: I wake up in full WTF mode. The first thought that enters my mind is my god I have to see her today.