In flight......

So........ I am afraid to fly. There it is...... now you all know. I know that it is common knowledge as to how big of a pansy I really am and with this we shall add just a little more on top of the pile.

Statistically I know that flying is safer than driving. How often do you hear about a plane crash as compared to a car accident? I think mentally the only difference in this is that a plane crash is going to last a lot longer than the split second of a car accident. Also looking at the numbers a car accident is going to take out a handful of people tops as to the plane well there's about 100 of us at least goin down in flames on that one. Unless we are still on the ground then we just blow up. Let me go into detail with this....... Its not that I dislike the flight. I like the flight itself, I don't even mind turbulence actually. Its the take off and the landing that make me sick. That dropping in your stomach feeling that you get on the roller coaster does it too. There is just something about the sensation that kills me.

Door Mat

I have decided to get this title tattooed across my forehead and save the people time to discover that I am one. OK seriously I can only have a sympathetic ear to a certain extent. So talking to a guy I like, he is going off about his ex and how she is getting married to someone else... blah blah effing blah, but on the outside I am like "Oh wow I'm so sorry, I know that has got to be hard on you." Now two weeks later this is all he talks about to me. Ever text message I recieve starts off with "So this girl....." OK who cares!!!! You have been broken up for more than 6 months now and I am sure she was great lay but you were only together for 6 months before the break up in the first place. So after my consideration of just ending this now I do not reply to the text. 1am...... (I have to be to work at 6 mind you) I get a text that says "I am writing a book that is called #%$&&^(&*%$T#@" I have left out the name of the book to protect the author but the title was something close to Only in the darkness or something like Myside of the pain or something but you get the hint. So I am looking at this and take the bait. I respond with "are you a disturbed person? - "Yes" okie...... so my response is "are we talking oh i am so emo, my girlfriend broke up with me or I like to torture small animals and wonder what human flesh tastes like kind of disturbed?" I do NOT like it when people don't respond to the more serious need to know questions.

On another side note. I have wondered what a Human tastes like. Not in a serious lets cook up a person patty kinda deal but in the I wonder if we taste Gamey like an elk or deer or if we are closer to Pork since we are closer to a pig as far as anatomy and what not goes.

Disclaimer: This writer has never and would never taste human flesh even if the offer arose.

NEW CONDO!!!!!!!

So by now most of you know I have bought a condo. So this is not a blog to update all about the cleaning it or fixing it or moving in, No that would not be my style now would it? :) Ok so little story...

A lady died in my condo. There it is. Now I am a big baby anyways, especially when I am alone. Every little thing or noise makes me jump. So here I am at 10pm last night, I walk in the front door and stand at the bottom of the stairs to listen for any sign that someone is going to chop my head off once I pop up over the landing. So here i am standing at the bottom of the stairs, crying like a baby, for like 5 mins. So then it occurs to me that maybe some nefarious character is in the garage waiting for me to get comfy and then BAM pop up out of the darkness. I open up the garage, have a little peak inside to see that it is empty still (it was) before 7 mins later I talked myself into going on up.

So I actually enter the living area of the condo, do my little look around. So now what? I am expecting ghosts of some little old lady with the crazy hair to come flying out of the walls or some creepy person to be in the mirror with me as I am brushing my teeth. I fully realize that I have seen way to many scary movies.

So I finally settle down to watch a chick flick and cry in bed but can' fall asleep because the shadows on my wall looks like someone is hanging out on the balcony outside my bedroom.
**sigh** I am a little tired today.

Scary movie+lots of liquid = sad potty time

So............ Scary movies about people getting offed in a public restroom does do damage to an adult. To say I am OCD when it comes to my stall doesn't cover it. After going to dinner before the movie and slurping a soda to wash down the fries I think maybe not the brightest idea but i should be fine if i stop now. Ok so auto pilot kicks in at the theater, its buy the tickets, snack line, choose seat. well before I know it we have the tickets and i have a gallon size soda in hand. Now this is dangerous area because it is still a bit before the movie starts and if i am careful and use the ladies room now and don't slurp this monster down i should make it threw without a potty break. So low and behold I run into some gal pals in the lobby and as i am chattin it up with S,V, and K all of the sudden i notice this bad boy is more than half gone..... oops.

So I hit the stall before the movie and there are a few girls in there so i dont have to worry about being shot down or getting my guts ripped out to be found dead the next day.

Movie: Was actually o.k. I liked it even with the blood and death and body explosion to paint the windows and walls red........ I will admit to crying once but it was only one little sad panda tear and i covered it up well I think.

NOW comes the problem. I finished the remainder half of my soda in the show and although I emptied the dinner soda out before the movie started I now had the whole other movie gallon just a sittin and not sittin well might I add. So credits start rolling and I hit the ladies room like it is home base in a game of tag...... Let the game begin. *Scan under all stalls to make sure no feet are here. * Stop and be as quiet as possible to detect breathing of anyTHING else or any other tale tale noises for those that don't breath. * check overhead lighting for a well lit stall. * make sure to push stall door open completely to make sure no one is hanging from the back of the stall door on either side. * check for adequate TP and seat covers before entering stall of choice. Think the game is over oh no no no! After *place back firmly on stall door to flush with foot while covering ears because the noise is so so so loud. *stand in stall until bathroom is completely quiet and again listen for breathing or other noises. *open stall door and run like hell to the sink area (mirrors give complete view of something sneaking up behind you). *Finally wash hands while watching your back and then keeping back to the wall to edge to the door and back out of the room.

I am one of the ones that always gets asked why I take so long in the bathroom.........

Centaur sex anyone?

Background: Jenny is a girl at work that Loves her husband very much. How do I know? We get details. Apparently my mind has filed this information away for future use that burst forth in the most disturbing dream i have had to date..........

So in my dream we are in a wonderful world of centaurs, humans, elf's and other mystical beings. So in the office, our lovely Jenny has taken form of a centaur, lovely long hair, beautiful chestnut colored mare dressed in complete Dominatrix leather bustier, laced up the sides with a push up bra (completely un-needed with her assets). Shane, her manly man centaur husband enters the scene later.........

So early morning were all sitting around at work talking about the weekend, chit chat girl talk nothing new when all of the sudden Jenny clip clops over to go into full on graphic detail about the sex she had this weekend... ok nothing new but all of the sudden my dream turns to movie flash back mode.....

Setting: pasture at twilight, grass is over long and blowing gently. Shane and Jenny embrace lovingly before she turns so he can mount her. Enter helicopter...... the grass in the pasture is whipped into a frenzy as the helicopter hovers over this porno like love scene right out of the discovery nature show. The suction from the helicopter almost lifts Shane off of his hoofs also causing Jenny's hind quarters to lift slightly making for the perfect angle for the best copulating EVER! (as Shane later puts it to her).

Flash back to the office and pan around to all of our shocked faces and stunned silence...........

Reality: I wake up in full WTF mode. The first thought that enters my mind is my god I have to see her today.

Traumatised much?!

You decide……………..
Just like any other child I woke up in the morning, rubbed the sleep out of my little peepers, jumped up out of bead and ran into the kitchen to grab my morning bowl of processed sugar before plunking myself down in front of Saturday morning cartoons.
Ok…….. am I the only one traumatized by the little leprechaun guy on the lucky charms?!?!??! Note to self, parents when your little 6 year old innocent angel of a daughter (pauses for laughter) tells you she’s a big girl and can watch your movie and not be scared, nu-uh DON’T BELIEVE HER!!!!!! Who decided to make a horror movie about my cute little breakfast man and make him chew off the fingers of people to steal their rings in the middle of the night!!! (Finger licking good indeed)
To this day every time I see a little man dressed in green I hide my fingers behind my back. Let me give you a little lesson, Originally Leprechaun’s were an old wives tale told to children to make them AVOID the woods and surrounding area. Now you may ask yourself, Why would we children want to avoid the happy little dancing merry making men that like to prance around hide shiny objects in a old hollowed out log?? BECAUSE THERE CANNIBALS!!!!!!! It’s true. The original story is that Leprechauns would lure children out into the woods to eat them. Ok……………….. so what kind of sick freak decides to design a breakfast cereal after a demonic little cannibal man that has children following him through the woods trying to get his little candy like marshmallows…… Seems a little suspicious if you ask me.

Ramdom Ranting

Warning: This post is random, boring, and jumps around because my brain does not seem to be functioning as normal today. I apologize in advance.

I like to think of myself as a people watcher. Not in a stalker-ish stare you down and follow you around kinda way but in an observant sort of way. So as I was sitting on a bench watching a rather interesting big boned woman place an order for fried……. (Well fried everything to tell ya the truth), let’s just say place her dinner order. I realized I was dining with a fellow people watcher. It’s amusing to see the type of observations that other people notice. This made me wonder as to what others think when looking at me.
I am a very good listener, I very rarely have a comment to add to the conversation but that does not mean I don’t have an opinion. I have found that the art of expressing oneself out loud does not always end well and sometimes it is worth it just to hold your tongue. (My momma didn’t raise no fool) Though I hate to be ignored and if I say something that I think needs a response I get highly upset when nothing is returned. (Jackasses that don’t write back to emails…… YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!)
The other thing I want to touch on is parents……… We all have them (Weather you like them or not is your own issues) but what is the deal with the plethora of advice they hand out? I love both of my parents. Someone asked me if I would trade and I immediately had to decline without even giving it a thought but it occurs to me that no one can piss on my parade faster than one of them. Slightly depressing, makes me want to become a little more inverted than I already am but that is a story for another day………………………..